Some people think that Cinco De Mayo is the Mexican independence day, FALSE (that's in September). Other misconceptions include: The day Santo Patrico drove the snakes out of Juarez, the birth of Jesus, the invention of the microchip, and many others too outlandish to mention.
It all started on a rainy December Monday. A middle aged man was bored and very hungry. He walked into his kitchen and began to forage for food. He quickly came to the conclusion he was short supplied and decided to make a bread sandwich. He quickly began to consume the sandwich and thought to himself “This is dry as hell, I need to get this sandwich on the fast track to tasty-town”. The man grabbed a butter knife, a can of mayonnaise and generously lathered the bread with mayonnaise.
A storm was quickly moving in and the man had no idea what to do because he left his dog Roberto outside with his 15 birds. Roberto would be fine but he was very worried about the birds, three of which had just been born. The man quickly ran outside to get the birds, the wind started to pick up and blow the bird cages around furiously. Luckily he had arrived just in time and was able to successfully migrate the birds inside.
The rain started to pick up and out of nowhere a Ninja showed up at his door. The Ninja was soaked from the rain and nicely asked if he could come inside to dry off, the man obliged. The Ninja began to explain the story of his travels. The Ninja arrived in Mexico a few days prior and was visiting his family, he explained that he grew up just a few miles away. In the midst of his story a small compact car pulled up. Roughly a dozen Mexican soldiers jumped out of the car and went into the man’s garden. They were looking for one thing and one thing only. The most potent Blue Agave plant ever made. The owner was a world renowned horticulturist and had made this special plant for his friend Jose who distilled this plant into the most prized tequila in all of the country. The man and the Ninja went outside armed to the teeth with Ninja swords, Ninja Stars, and a very realistic looking gun which the man acquired at an auction. The gun was used in a movie depicting the battle at the Alamo and was worth a significant amount of money. A few years back the man was involved in a dispute at a neighbors house and coincidentally had this gun in his truck, he wielded the weapon and scared the neighbor three quarters to death. They’ve since gotten on this and can joke about it over a few drinks but you can tell there is still some animosity between the two gentlemen, especially since the neighbor was punked by a fake weapon.
They began to approach the Mexican soldiers. The Ninja began to yell at the soldiers in a bizarre Spanish/Japanese hybrid language. Puzzled by the linguistics of the Ninja the soldiers began to dance to the music on the radio, they danced in a style known as Gnuepertolito, a style of dance which a known tactic of gorilla warfare. The Ninja was not fooled by this and swiftly removed his sword from his sheath. The soldiers were horrified and began to retreat. The man and the Ninja were overwhelmed with joy. The captain of the Mexican soldiers tried to start their vehicle to no avail. The soldiers all began to cry as the Ninja yelled expletives at them in their native Spanish language.
As quickly as the storm came it, it dissipated. As the fog and mist began to lift the group saw a strange figure slowly approaching them in the distance. The figure continued to become more defined, one of the soldiers recognized the figure as a known vampire of the region. The soldier was clearly incorrect, the figure was the property owner’s wife, she was very pale skinned woman and drank a copious amount of red wine on a daily basis, she was frequently mis-identified as such. She walked over to the group of men and asked her husband what was going on. He explained to her that the soldiers were looking for something they had lost in the area. She asked what they had lost and the husband quickly responded with “A rare hermaphrodite snail”, she quickly became angry and yelled at him because this was his answer to almost everything.
Although being angry at her husband she invited everyone inside for a drink. She offered everyone a glass of red wine and went in the kitchen to prepare some impromptu snacks. A tornado came and the whole town was destroyed. They had nothing to eat for five days except bread and mayonnaise. After the five days they were fine and called the day Five of Mayo (Cinco De Mayo in Spanish). The Captain of the soldiers later went on to become a General and the then President of the country. Once he gained power of the country he let the power go to his head rather quickly, he acted very tyrannical. He decided he would make May 5th a national holiday due to his life changing survival experience.
The Ninja went on to lead a healthy and productive life, as did everyone else. They are still friends to this day. Although over the years they have lost touch, the Ninja and the property owner barely speak, one time the Ninja was in a bit of a bind (literally he was tied up and held in prison) and called the homeowner to bail him, naturally the man helped out his friend, no one really speaks. One of the soldiers had a child and did not mention it to the other men, they were at church one day and two of the soldiers ran into each other, the child now 10 at the time, needless to say he was upset with the other soldier for his lack of communication, but he understood and they sat next to one another at the church service.
Cinco de mayo.
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